RELATIONSHIPS | Women in Abuse

Posted on January 1, 2007
Filed Under Relationships

RELATIONSHIPS
Women in Abuse – Sisters in Trouble
By Dr. Terita Gusby-McCauley

Recently I participated in a fellowship dinner that allowed people from the congregation to meet, eat and greet. It was great. I sat beside a lady who immediately began talking to me and exchanging information. It was a typical conversation that began with a name exchange, interests and eventually family stuff. After about 10 minutes or so I could feel the Holy Spirit begin to tug on me to go a little bit deeper and in doing so my new friend found a comfortable spot in the conversation to let me know that her daughter was living in an abusive marriage situation.

My heart sank immediately because I knew that the remaining information that she was going to give me was going to require something beyond a Sunday evening fellowship dinner. As a mother she expressed how helpless she felt because her daughter refused to leave her husband. The young lady’s predicament stayed on my mind all evening as well as the next day and I finally found myself crying out to God to help her. I could feel her pain for an instant, a pain not unfamiliar to me.

There were certain things that I knew for sure without ever asking the mother. I knew that there was a serious spirit of control operating in the situation as well as shame, embarrassment and fear. Fear of, “If I leave where can my children and I go? How will I live, I have no money? I don’t want to leave my home and everything I have to start over.” And so women stay. No matter how bad the situation gets, they learn how to cope living a life of tragedy and loneliness. There are certain things that women experience in abusive relationships that they will never tell their mothers or close friends. There are some secrets of abuse that are so hurtful that they tuck them away deep inside afraid of allowing others to know about them.

I knew that because the young woman remained there, that she was not yet at her “enough.” What may have been a simple solution for one is not always so very simple for another. I knew as well that when she did decide to leave the situation, that she would have to have a serious plan of escape waiting in the balance. Sometimes those on the outside looking in can become just as cruel in not fully understanding the mental processes that are involved in the entire process. I’ve heard women make comments as, “Well, why didn’t she just leave?” “Girl, I would not have taken all of that!” or “It must not be that bad because she is still there.”

There are so many reasons why women stay as well as why they finally leave. There are reasons why they end up with the same type of relationship over and over again. This definitely allows for a second article to be written, but for those of you who may be in an abusive relationship (verbal, physical, emotional) or may know of someone who is there, here are some strategies that can be instrumental in helping someone to leave safely.

Begin the process of putting money aside in a safe place where only you have access to it.
Make copies of all important legal documents, marriage and birth certificates, mortgage documents, immunizations, bank account statement, etc. and pack in your suitcase.
Pack a suitcase with enough clothes to last you and your children for 3 days. Keep it somewhere safe and out of sight.
Only allow a close family member or one close friend to know what you are doing.
Make a second set of car keys if there is only one car.
When leaving, if you are afraid of being followed and harmed, go straight to the police station and file an order of protection.
Keep in constant communication with a close friend or family member.

This is a very serious and scary situation. You must have a plan of escape if you are serious about leaving. Sometimes women wait until they have experienced that last physical attack, last cursing out, or hearing that last threatening statement before they are ready. For whatever the reason, we must allow people to get their “enough” so that they will no longer have the desire to return. We pray that “enough” doesn’t seriously damage or end someone’s life. Yes, sometimes, it’s just that serious.

In summary, as delicate as the issue may be, there are thousands of women living in abusive relationships that would surprise us all. Shame, guilt, fear, low expectations, childhood experiences, low esteem are all culprits of the victimization. What these women need is support, not judgment. They need our prayers in asking God to grant courage, peace and favor to them in their journeys so that the healing can eventually begin. Stay safe.

About the Author

Dr. Terita Gusby-McCauley was born and raised on the South Side of Chicago, Illinois. Her many travels allowed her to be educated in Missouri, and Kansas and then spend a bulk of her university teaching in the state of South Carolina. She has taught on various levels from elementary to high school as well as in the area of special education. She has done extensive research and developed programs for at-risk male youth “Back On Track,” as well as a parenting series called “All The Kings Horses.” Her infinite ministry and aspiration is to one day open a residential facility for troubled male youth to re-establish their purposes and guide them to personal safety and future successes.