Help, My Marriage Is Falling Apart

Posted on March 3, 2008
Filed Under Relationships

Help, My Marriage Is Falling Apart:
Counseling a Friend Through Troubled Times
Article written by Jeremy Lelek, President of the Association of Biblical Counselors

He’s not attentive to my emotional and physical needs. He doesn’t romance me anymore. He spends way too much time in the office. I feel like I’m falling out of love. We argue and fuss all the time. He rarely talks to me on a deep emotional level. I resent him. What happens when your best friend invites you to coffee so that she may unload on you the burdens of a broken marriage? When your friend comes to you anguishing over unthinkable hardships are you prepared to minister to her? How would you counsel her according to God’s Word?

Christian women are people too. They hurt. They cry. They get angry. They feel lonely. They grow weary of marital patterns that alienate them from their husbands. They feel taken for granted. And they are susceptible to responding in ways that can further destroy a fragmented marriage. Worst of all, they can walk down the dark road of bitterness, resentment, and sin, feeling quite justified in doing so given the relational and emotional turmoil brought forth, in their views, by their thoughtless and insensitive husbands. In such cases (which are all-too-common) the need for loving, sound, and biblical counsel is paramount. Most significantly, hearing God’s truth from a fellow sister in Christ can make all the difference!

Three truths may be considered when reaching out to a hurting friend:

“Weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15). Be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). While the tendency may be to offer a quick word of advice, listening with compassion is a very important process of counseling. A person is often comforted simply by a sincere effort to hear and understand the nature of her struggle. Offering “off the cuff” answers might lend to a woman feeling her problems are being minimized or simplified, therefore missing the gravity of her devastating pain. Listening, at times with tears, and asking inquisitive questions that lead to the heart of her struggle both encourages her as well as informs you (the counselor) regarding what wisdom from God’s Word is most pertinent for the presenting situation.

Aim at the heart. Consider this profound passage from James as he poses the most popular marriage counseling question of all time. “What causes fights and quarrels among you (James 4:1)? He goes on, “Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight” (James 4:2). Whereas the tendency to explain the “why” of one’s feeling empty, angry, or bitter is to point at one’s spouse as the cause, James does the very opposite. He points the believer inward to the desires of the heart.

A friend may be convinced that the cause of her bitterness or emotional emptiness is her husband, yet in reality, according to the Bible the cause resides within her own heart. Although desires for intimacy, romance, love, and companionship are all beautiful and good, if they become the centerpiece of motivation to the point where they are coveted, the goodness of these gifts vanishes, and all that is left is selfish ambition and pride. The desires to “love God” and “love neighbor” become usurped by idols of pleasure while the deceitful inertia of sin darkens the heart to embrace, even defend these newfound gods. How do you help her distinguish whether or not her desires for good things have been elevated to the level of idolatry? Simply pose this question: Do you want _____________________ (i.e., love, romance, intimacy, acknowledgement, etc,) so badly that you are willing to sin against God or others to get it? Apply this to actions, words, thoughts, and attitude.

Confront in love. As your friend is prompted to take the plank from her own eye (Matthew 7:5), good counsel would then seek to bring the husband into the picture. If indeed he is being neglectful and absent then he is failing to love his wife as Jesus loves his church (Ephesians 5:25). However, be cautioned from jumping to conclusions as only half of the story has been revealed thus far. If she has already discussed her frustrations with her husband to no avail, it would be appropriate to bring other loving Christians into the picture to intervene. This is what the body of Christ was created to be: a sanctuary of support, and a context to promote godly change. Following the counsel of Jesus found in Matthew 18:15-17 would be a great starting place. Again, if loving her husband is not the crux of confrontation then your friend should reexamine her heart and motives. Biblical confrontation is not about manipulation and control it is about love for another.

If your response to your friend reflects these principles, consider yourself blessed as a counselor of God’s Word. Certainly, some of the demands of loving others, such as confrontation, can propel you out of your comfort zone. Yet, it is at such times of discomfort that God is not only using you to change others, but he is also using others, and the pains of their world, to change you for His glory and His purposes!

Reference

The Holy Bible. New International Version. (2002). Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan

For more information about the Association of Biblical Counselors, visit: www.christiancounseling.com.